An unearthly substance described by Russian MoD officials as “gelatinous black protoplasm” or “Black Goo” was discovered aboard the derelict remains of the Losharik submersible, a Russian deep sea research vessel gutted by a mysterious, catastrophic fire that incinerated 14 crewmembers whose bodies were so badly burned even their teeth melted in their heads. The Losharik’s smouldering husk was unceremoniously towed to the Russian port of Sevastopol on the Black Sea.
The submersible, actually a nuclear-powered submarine, was widely believed to be a key asset of the Russian Main Directorate of Deep-Sea Research, a naval branch that conducts covert operations in all the world’s oceans.
Shortly after the sub floundered on Monday and Vladimir Putin ordered Defense Minister Sergey Shoygu to Sevastopol, the internet became awash with conspiracy theories, with some people irresponsibly claiming a conflict occurred between U.S. and Russian submarines in the North Atlantic. They conflated Vice President Pence’s aborted trip to New Hampshire, the Secretary of State’s plane unexpectedly taking to the air, and Putin’s emergency meeting with the Russian Security Council as a prelude to World War III.
Our sources, FSB Agent Dimitri Osmosovich and Dr. Angelica Balabinov, who collectively bear the torch once held by the late Strelnikov Isaac Stepanovich, said no battle occurred and the submarine was lost while investigating reports of an unidentified flying object that crashed in Russian territorial waters. At approximately 10:00 pm Moscow time on Sunday, a radar station on the Kamchatka Peninsula tracked an inbound bogey descending into the atmosphere at a 90-degree angle, at speeds exceeding Mach 10. It dipped below radar coverage and struck the frigid waters of the Barents Sea.
At first, Russian Early Warning Systems (EWS) indicated a possible ICBM or meteor strike, but the Ministry of Defense quickly deduced that both speed and trajectory angle were inconsistent with either of those possibilities. Per Agent Osmosovich, President Putin directed Shoygu to muster a cadre of senior naval officers and extraterrestrial specialists from the Metzgoya extraterrestrial research outpost in the Ural Mountains to set sail for the suspected impact zone. An unprecedented seven senior captains staffed the Losharik, with orders to if possible identify the sunken craft and determine the feasibility of retrieving or salvaging exotic components that might have survived the crash. Any alien life forms onboard, Osmosovich said, were to be exterminated, as Putin disdains meddlesome ET invaders.
“The Losharik’s crush depth is classified, but it travelled at 250 meters below as the Barents is not very deep. Because it crashed in our waters, Putin did not fear another nation would violate our sovereignty. He acted at once in case foreign spy satellites spotted the wreckage. If we couldn’t salvage, we were to destroy it. And this is precisely what happened, except we did not anticipate finding what was found,” Osmosovich said.
The Losharik’s sonar officer detected an acoustic echo return on the seafloor and initially mistook it for an American 688 Los Angeles Class attack sub that could have been monitoring boomer traffic out of Polyarny, but as the Losharik drew closer to its quarry, he realized the signature did not match any submarine in the database.
“A dive team exited the Losharik and saw a space ship, about 150 meters long and 30 meters circumference partly embedded in the seafloor. The ship was metallic and smooth, glossy, with no apparent portholes or means of entry. Because so much of the craft was buried in rock, all seven captains unanimously agreed a retrieval operation would be dangerous, risky, and conspicuous even in territorial waters. To remain undetected, the Losharik floated its ELF antenna and transmitted its assessment to command,” Osmosovich said.
The crew received only a one-word reply: “razrushat’.” Destruct.
Although there was no guarantee explosives could destroy a vessel that survived impact from deep space, divers strategically affixed charges in hopes of imploding the ship. One noticed a small patch of what he described as “black resin” bonded to a section of the hull and scraped a sample for future analysis. With charges placed and divers safely back aboard, the submarine distanced itself from the alien ship and detonated the explosives, and by all accounts, the unknown craft imploded and was utterly obliterated. And the Losharik turned back to port.
“What details next happened are murky because even the surviving crew is unsure. What we do know is that somehow, someway, the sample escaped or was set free because it was discovered on the floor of the engine room as Losharik travelled home submerged,” Osmosovich said.
The chief engineer, who perished in the fire, reportedly stumbled upon a pool of black, viscous liquid that retreated from his approach. It slithered into the reactor core and evidently triggered an explosion and subsequent fire that rapidly engulfed the Losharik. The fire suppression system failed and crew battled the blaze from compartment to compartment, sealing bulkheads while desperately battling the expanding inferno. A reactor spike nearly incinerated the ship, but the engineer barely managed to scram the reactor before deadly radiation killed what crewmembers still survived. The officer-in-charge ordered an “emergency blow,” an act that violently ejects water from ballast tanks and rapidly propels a submarine to the surface.
“A coded message was sent to the GRU headquarters and to Vladimir Putin, who devised a cover story, the submarine had a catastrophic accident during bathymetric measurements. By then the submarine was on reserve power, motionless in the water, its batteries destroyed or depleted, and Putin dispatched a tug to tow the sub to Sevastopol,” Osmosovich said.
President Putin, aware now that an alien life form infested the sub, ordered Defense Minister Shoygu, who has played an instrumental role in Putin’s war on malevolent extraterrestrials, to personally greet the Losharik at port.
Fourteen died, including all seven captains, their bodies burned beyond recognition. Five survivors were quarantined. The GRU placed one in isolation after he vomited ink-like excrement and his urine was black as coal.
“I don’t know much beyond that,” Osmosivch said. “I know the submarine was scoured from bow to stern for the black goo, but I know not if it was found at this time. Many comrades lost their lives, and Putin will not rest until he’s uncovered the truth behind this horrific incident.”
