FRANCE TO NUKE NIBIRU

The White House on Tuesday received an urgent diplomatic cable stating that the French government may use nuclear weapons to destroy a celestial interloper, Nibiru, heading toward earth, according to a Washington source who claims President Trump barely glanced at the document before giving it to his chief scientific advisor, meteorologist Kelvin Droegmeir, for further analysis.

The document, our source said, was authored by Jean-Yves Le Gall, President of France’s National Centre for Space Studies (CNES,) and approved by Emmanuel Macron, whose handwritten signature appeared at the bottom of the brief.

In it, Le Gall warns that Nibiru is nearing perigee and will soon unleash cataclysmic effects on the Earth unless decisive action is taken to either alter its trajectory or destroy it. He apparently ruled out the former, writing, “Since our greatest scientists have ruled out moving Nibiru—no Earthly force can move Nibiru-the only remaining choice is its destruction. To destroy Nibiru before it, potentially, destroys life on Earth.”

To accomplish this goal Le Gall suggests that France launch its entire nuclear arsenal at Nibiru, basing his opinion on a 2016 classified CNES research study that said “a massive nuclear onslaught in the realm of 66,000 kilotons should shatter Nibiru into trillions of harmless fragments,” which would incinerate upon atmospheric reentry. He confessed in the cable that the totality of damage must occur simultaneously to either blast Nibiru to smithereens or nudge it off course.

He admitted to a few other issues as well. As France no longer owns land-based nuclear weapons, it relies on the submarine-launched M51 ballistic missile, which has a range of 6,000 miles and can be fitted with up to ten 110 kiloton warheads. France has 290 warheads, or 31,900 kilotons, at its disposal, far less than the 66,000 kiloton Le Gall thinks will destroy Nibiru. Moreover, France has only four nuclear ballistic missile submarines, the Triumphant class, each equipped with 16 vertical launch tubes. Thus, a simultaneous launch would hit Nibiru with a mere 7,040 kiloton— “Like a B.B. hitting an elephant,” Le Gall wrote.

“Le Gall identified the shortcomings in his letter, but because it was written by him, and not by Macron, who simply endorsed it, Trump just passed it off to Droegmeir. Even though Droegmeir ain’t the brightest bulb in the box, he realized the French plan was nuts—that using even 10,000 nukes won’t dent planet Nibiru.  La Galle even audaciously requested Trump’s help,” our source said.

The cable, our source added, said that President Trump, as commander of the world’s second largest nuclear arsenal, ought to launch a concurrent nuclear bombardment to coincide with France’s efforts. If the U.S., France, and other nations that favor survival over destruction launch a unified, colossal strike, then Nibiru would certainly not survive, Le Galle speculated.

“Please, President Trump, value humanity over your own selfish desires; the future rests in our collective hands. Rise to the occasion. Be the man of principle, the man of conscience, the world knows you can be. I fully expect you will win your White House in 2020, but will you, or anyone of us, be around when your term ends in 2024. We must destroy Nibiru,” part of the letter allegedly said.

The letter ended with a not-so-veiled threat: “Without cooperation, France will act unilaterally. A slim chance of salvation is better than none.”

It is unknown whether President Trump will respond.

In closing, an overwhelming majority of Earth’s scientists say nuking space rocks of any size is a bad idea. Even if ICBMs could reach and strike large asteroids or planetoids, some large fragments would inevitably endure atmospheric entry and smash into the blue-green pearl we call Earth, causing greater destruction, perhaps, than an undamaged Nibiru will at perigee.