Putin Recruits Steven Seagal to Fight Anunnaki

Russian President Vladimir Putin has found a new ally to help wage war on the invasive Anunnaki—American actor and martial arts champion Steven Seagal.

The action-movie star last Friday attended a Russian Assembly meeting at which Putin tried to fill vacant ministry seats with politicians sympathetic to his unending battle against the meddlesome extraterrestrials.

Seagal and Putin have maintained a close friendship since 2013, when Seagal’s vainly named blues band, Steve’N’Seagulls, performed at a Moscow event in Putin’s honor.  He praised Putin’s style of governance, while bashing then-President Obama for appointing “Czars” to “help destroy America” and undermine the foundation of the Constitution. Seagal and Putin have shared many viewpoints, namely an anger over how Moscow is treated by the West and their mutual love of martial arts. In 2016, Putin granted him Russian citizenship, and the aikido whiz has since spent his days travelling between the U.S. and Russia.

Years earlier, Putin applauded Seagal’s movie career and namedropped Under Siege, a critically slammed action flick in which Seagal dispatches an army of international terrorists who commandeer a U.S. battleship, as his personal favorite, though he admitted to celebrating Seagal’s entire catalog of films.

Putin asked Seagal if the martial prowess and firearms acumen depicted in motion pictures translated to real world experience; whether his formidability in films was a facade or a true reflection of his physical ability.

Seagal boasted he had never lost a fight and told Putin that martial arts masters Jean Claude Van damme and Chuck Norris declined an open invitation to fight him because they were “pussies” who fought only choreographed fights. Seagal, who speaks fluent Russian, also said he challenged Obama to a basketball match, but the American president refused because “he is a cowardly piece of oxygen-wasting pond scum who should have never been born.”

“It sounds crazy, but Putin, who had previously told Steven about the Anunnaki, asked him if [he] wanted an advisory role in designing tactics to defeat the heinous aliens. Maybe Putin did this out of friendship, or maybe he actually thinks Steven can help turn the tide of war. Whatever the reason, he asked him, and Seagal said he’d accept on one condition,” our source said.

That condition, our source added, was that Seagal be allowed to see and fight a captured Anunnaki in a hand-to-hand battle to the death. Three such creatures exist, imprisoned at Russia’s Metzgoya Extraterrestrial Research Outpost in the Ural Mountains.  No human has survived hand-to-hand combat against an Anunnaki. They stand three meters tall, have three-inch-long retractable talons, and are protected by an exoskeletal carapace that repels small arms fire.

Seagal, on the other hand, has gained excessive weight and at 67 years old is a bit past his prime. His earthly bravado may falter and be replaced with relentless diffidence once he locks eyes with his Anunnaki opponent. Our source said Putin cautioned him against fighting the detestable creature, as he did not want to lose a friend and feared, rationally, that Seagal’s hubris would not survive a creature known to eviscerate and disembowel opponents within mere seconds.

Putin said he would consider the request and decide within two weeks.

If Seagal mysteriously vanishes from the face of the Earth within the next few weeks, alas, we will know what horrible fate befell him.